Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
