ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
My dick has a subreddit
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
