I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
The air taste purple.
Randomize
