I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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