im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
You can't motorboat a personality
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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