do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
