They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
