He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
