party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
