Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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