Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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