Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
