The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
either way he was missing a nipple.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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