i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Randomize
