Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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