You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
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