i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
