First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
