Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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