P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
