Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
time to smoke my breakfast
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
