Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
