you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
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I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
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I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
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