I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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