The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
