Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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