I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Randomize
