I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
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