woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
