i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Bring me that man meat
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
