there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
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