my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
