Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
