No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Randomize
