I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
