I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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