apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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