i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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