You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
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