She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
