the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
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