He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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