So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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