I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
