Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
