So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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