I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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