I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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