My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
