Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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