not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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