Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
