hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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