omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
