my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
my god I love twenty year old dicks
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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