i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
You took a bar mat shot.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
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