Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
