i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Randomize
