If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
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There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
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hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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