So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
