Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
